Thursday, March 31, 2016

The State of Motivation

I thought I'd check in, as it's been since November.

The good - I've lost 20lbs.  The bad - my weight loss is stalled, and so is running.  

I'm struggling with motivation, in both counts.  I had been functioning fairly well, all things considered (I'm back at work full time after all) but just don't have my running mojo back.

I've got big plans - no races, though I am pacing Joe at Haliburton and will be available at Sulphur to jump in if he needs me as I’m crewing him - but lots of tough unsupported trail runs that should really challenge myself.

I'm not good at being accountable to myself.  I need to figure that out.  I think I'm getting closer to a good place, I hope I am, though I've been pretty miserable the last two days and am now aware of how easy it would be for me to slide back into depression.

I've got lots of body image stuff going on, just things that I am horrified with, and that I need to get over if I am going to move forward.  I can't hide inside forever, it does me no favours.  But I'm still 20lbs away from not being overweight.  It's daunting.  

I get frustrated, with the speed of progress with weight loss, that I’m not running at the level I used to (duh!  You’re not working out enough and are 20lbs heavier!).  I know what I need to do.  It’s finding the accountability to do it.  I have a good plan in place to get me to the fitness I need, but I need to execute that plan.  

Toby said that it is part of the illness, that there are times I don’t run, because I’m depressed, but at the same time - sometimes (NOT ALWAYS!!! PEOPLE WHO SAY THIS LIE) running helps with the depression.  It’s one tool, anyways.  

Right now I am looking at the fastpack I’m supposed to do in Frontenac Provincial Park in just over a week - it’s going to be colder at night, so I’d like to take more gear.  Which means a bigger pack and even tougher running.  And frankly?  I’m in bad enough shape right now that if I took my heavier backpacking gear my heart rate would probably be right where it is supposed to be for a long run, and that way - I could bring Neb along if I was hiking and not running.  Have some doggy company.  That would be really nice.  It might be better for my current mental state.

It’s frustrating that my mental wellness and training always trade off against each other - training brings me a lot of stress as it is an extra ‘job’ to do, and I already find working my full time job difficult enough - but I also love running and get a lot of satisfaction out of it when it’s going well.  

And there end my ramblings.  This is the state of where I am in my training right now.  Hopefully I’ll have a trip report up in a little bit over a week!